Just Across the Tracks

I keep hearing the phrase “colorblind.” People are saying, I don’t see color, I just see who the person is, it doesn’t matter what they look like, “I’m colorblind.” I’ve been trying to come up with a way to clearly articulate WHY it is not OK to be color blind. I will go ahead and say, I haven’t figured out how to explain this to anyone in a way that I feel accurately conveys why we should not be colorblind. I will say this though, the Lord created us to be different, He did not create us to look the same, but regardless of how each of us look we should love the same and accept each other. The problem we have faced and continue to face is there are a large number of people who choose not to accept their brothers and sisters solely based on how they look. We do not live in a world that allows us to be colorblind.

I think my personal experience with race and race relations is different from many people; however, just because I was raised with a different experience or point of view does not make me exempt or blind to the the injustices that people or color are facing daily. Anyone who knows me knows that I was born in Scottsboro, AL and if I am honest, our town was not as integrated as it should have been in the 80s. It was very clear that black and white people were separate. The train tracks told us so. We lived separately, we worshiped separately on Sundays, but we all came together Monday -Friday for work and school. (I recently read online that the most segregated hour of the week is Sunday at 11am, I will let that marinate with you all for a bit). Our grandmothers, aunts, and cousins that were from the generation above our parents were “The Help,” I’m sure you have all seen the movie, so I won’t go into detail, BUT if you were born on the “other” side of the tracks in Scottsboro (or insert the the name of your small town) then you know what I’m talking about. My grandmother, my Nana, was an educator and very well known in Scottsboro. She was also one of the only black teachers in town, and because of this my mother, and by default my sisters and I had a different relationship with race in our small town. My mother was forced to integrate before many of her friends and she quickly had to learn to trust and depend on the white classmates that were bold enough interact with her and become friends with her. These people, to this day, are dear to her heart because they, along with their parents, went out of their way to protect my mother in a time when black people, especially students, faced extreme racism.

In our house, we did not specifically talk about race in the manner in which we talked about being different or having to be more careful based on our skin color. Whenever Granddaddy would talk about the hardships of being a black person, my Nana would remind him, and us, that we lived in different times and he needed to let go of the past. I did not really recognize myself as different until I got older and went to school. I started to see how the black students would stick together in group settings. Of course we all were friends and interacted with each other, black and white, but we all recognized we were different because the bell would ring and we (the black students) would get on one of the two school buses that went across the tracks to take us to our respected homes. Back then, and maybe even now, the only white people who lived on “our side” of the tracks were those that were in interracial relationships, or white people who did not have the financial means to live on the other side of the tracks. My mom says it is because the black community accepted them when their own people would not.

So, once again I question, HOW can we be colorblind when we are born with a line in the sand with writing on each side WHITE/BLACK.

Even in the 90s, I had friends that were white and it was OK for us to be friends, their parents had no problem with that, but they were forbidden from dating anyone black. This was in the 90s, we were supposed to be equals. Civil Rights had happened 30 years prior. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s dream was supposed to be a reality, but any little town in the south proved different. (I can’t speak for the North). We could go to school together, we could play together, but we couldn’t date each other. I was 15 years old when I had probably one of the biggest cultural shocks of my life. We moved to El Paso and into a neighborhood direct where our direct neighbors were white. I remember asking my mom about it. “You mean to tell me, black people and white people can live next door to each other?” This was 1998.

Never in my life was I told that we were any different than the white people in the world, but living life in a small southern town SHOWED me that I was different. I was not taught to fear the police, as a matter of fact, I grew up with a man across the street that was probably my idol, Mr. Mike Ellison, and he was a police officer. I would request for him to turn on his lights and sirens as he drove off to work as a small girl and watch proudly as he drove away. My cousin is currently on the Dallas PD. We did not have a negative relationship with law enforcement. However, LIFE has forced me to be aware of the police. I am almost 100% certain that I was in college when my mom and step dad told us that we need to be careful if/when we are pulled over by the police. That we need to keep our hands visible and do everything that is ask of us.

I want to believe that we live in a different world than our parents, but it is becoming painfully obvious that we are still fighting the same fight. We’re all aware of WHAT needs to change. We know WHY it needs to change, but we are not fully to the HOW it is going to happen.

Until little black kids don’t have to get on a school bus with people that ONLY look like them and take trips back and forth across a railroad track that shows them they are different, we won’t see a change. People shouldn’t have to wait until they are grown to know that the color of your skin does not determine who you’re neighbor can be. We have taken strides forward in this fight for equality, but we still have a long way to go, and until then we can not afford to be “colorblind” because if you fail to see my color then you fail to see me.

The Cry of the Broken

I have been going back and forth for the better part of a week on what I wanted to say AND if I even wanted to say anything about the tragedies that are being played out in the world right now. My heart is completely broken from the losses that have taken place over the past three months when it comes to people of color. It is not something that is new, it is not the first time that something like this has happened, and it is no different than what has been happening behind “closed doors” for years and years; it’s just this time, it hit my spirit just a little different. Since February we have heard of the murder of Ahmad Arbury, the murder of Brionna Taylor, and the murder of George Floyd. Notice I say murder, because let’s not beat around the bush, it WAS murder. Those people look like me, those people COULD be me. Along side of these murders there was the attempted murder of Christian Cooper, and yes I said attempted murder, by Amy Cooper in the park in NYC when you called the police and made a false report against a black man solely because he ask her to put her dog on a leash. (Follow the rules). She purposefully used language that would ensure the police would come and Christian would be seen as the person in the wrong.

In America, we have a history of white women blaming black men for a heinous crimes they are innocent of, and these men’s lives are either ruined or they are killed. Here’s a few examples if you would like to look them up for reference:

1. The Scottsboro Boys (1931) Nine young men were falsely accused of raping two white women on a train. Eight out of nine were initially sentenced to death. There was NO medical evidence that the rape even happened. In 2013 the men were pardoned or had their convictions overturned.
2. Emmett Till (1955) He was a 14 year old boy and he was beaten, shot, and then thrown into the river tied to a cotton gin. All of this was done to him because he supposedly flirted with a white woman in Mississippi. His murderers were acquited.
3. The Central Park 5 (1989) These five young men had their lives ruined because a white woman was attacked and raped in Central Park. The young men were forced into confession and all served time for a crime that not one of them committed.

Can we now see why I make such a bold statement, and I stand by it.

While America was stuck in their homes due to this pandemic that is ravaging the world we had no choice but to watch tv or scroll through social media and the internet, and whilst mindlessly scrolling and flipping, we were all confronted with a very harsh reality: RACISM IS ALIVE AND WELL AND IT IS IN OUR FACES BECAUSE IT IS BEING FILMED AND POSTED. If you own a cell phone or a television there is no way to avoid the reality of what has happened these past few months, three people were murdered and we sat back and watched it happen. We LITERALLY saw Ahmad get hunted down by 3 white men and shot in the middle of the day. We watched as a cop knelt on the neck of George Floyd, his hands in his pockets, while he begged for his life and pleaded for air. We watched horrified. We cried because simply put, that could be any of us. That was the last straw.

Black people stood up and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! You can’t keep killing us and getting away with it. We live in this country the same as any other person. We supposedly have the same rights as any other American, so why are we treated differently. Why do we have to be afraid to be pulled over by the police. Why do we have to fear driving through certain cities and towns. We want to have to same the same freedoms as our white brothers and sisters.

Two sides have erupted out of what has happened here in America. There are the people who are truly racist and now are free to show their true colors to all of us because they are defending their “rights,” and then there are those who choose to align themselves with black and brown people and say, “I hear you,” “I see you,” “I want to stand with you,” “I love you.” It has been great to see non-black people become just as passionate about equality and march side by side in protest. This is not something that we saw during the Civil Rights Movement, and it is a BIG step in the right direction.

What perplexes me are the people who REFUSE to acknowledge there is an issue. I become shocked and even confused when I hear non-black people say, I didn’t know racism was still an issue OR I want to understand what your struggles are. What this tells me is your circle does not consist of anyone that looks different than you do. OR maybe you have your token black friend, Hispanic friend, Asian friend, so you can check off the box that says I have a diverse set of friends. When that is the case, it is easy to not see the inequalities in the world. NOW that the world is in an uproar because black and brown people are saying OUR LIVES MATTER, BLACK LIVES MATTER, everyone all of a sudden has an opinion. NOW people are asking to be educated. Let’s get something clear, YOU CHOSE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD BURIED IN THE SAND. It’s time to chose a side. What side are you going to stand on? The side that says, no this is not a race issue, stop trying to make everything about race. OR are you going to say, YES there is a systemic issue that needs to be fixed and I see your tears, I hear your cries.

Segregation did not end in the 60s and 70s, we are still fighting today to be treated the same; to be afforded the same benefits as any other person born or naturalized in this country. It is up to each and everyone of us to work to make positive changes. We have to stop pointing fingers at each other and try to understand one another. If I am honest, I find it ridiculous that my Mom, my Aunt’s and Uncles, and cousins are having to live through this racial discord again, but maybe this time is will stick. Maybe this time people won’t just talk about that change, but actually facilitate it. I pray that 2020 will be the year that changes EVERYTHING and the next generation can truly live in a world where they are indeed judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin.

I am tired of being scared of being pulled over by the police. I am tired of seeing my brothers and sisters struggling to have the same opportunities as their white counterparts. I am just tired. WE have to do better.

Even When It Hurts

Currently I am reading through Proverbs, I am seeking wisdom; wise counsel. I am trying to ensure that my life is pleasing to the Lord, and I want to ensure that I am grounded in His word. Verse after verse Proverbs tells us how we should live, how we should behave, how we should speak, and it is written very clear in its meaning; nothing is hidden in useless rhetoric. It says DO this DON’T do that.

As I am walking down this road of reflection and writing, there are instances from my past where I stood at crossroads and purposefully chose the wrong path. As Proverbs 12:15 states, “The way of a fool is right in his own in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” One particular time of my life stands out very clear to me, I had reconnected with a friend from high school who did not know the Lord, and in the past had no interest in knowing Him. Also during this time I was in a romantic relationship which was not pleasing to the Lord. My friend from high school became my road dog , my ride or die, she would come to church with me on Sunday’s and party with me every other day. In my eyes, I thought I was being a great example to her because, “I’m getting her involved in church, introducing her to the gospel, as well as surrounding her with people who love the lord. I’m doing my Christian duty”. However, that is not what I was doing. I was showing her examples of how to be a hypocrite, how to behave on Sunday and still live in the world on Monday. This girl was desperately seeking the Lord and His perfect love, and I was running in the opposite direction. Almost 15 years later I can look back on that time in my life and think what were you doing? Why were you trying to please people and fit into a mold that wasn’t made for you; especially when the Bible explicitly tells us we are to be in the world but not OF the world. (Reference John 17:14-15). But 20 year old me wanted to belong. Praise the Lord this girl, my friend from high school, found solid friendships amongst my friends in the church and they actually showed her what the love of Christ looks like. They also showed her what life should look like when you are indeed living for the Lord.

During that time, a lifelong friend called me up and said, “ hey what are you doing?” Not in the sense of “How’s it going? Want to hang out?” but instead it was like “ You know better than this, what in the world are you doing with your life?” There was a desperation in that call, a pleading almost. She went on to tell me how we should be an example of Christ, especially to new Christians. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to make that phone call, but she was doing what we as Christians are called to do with our brothers and sisters in Christ. We are called to correct them. There were tears shed and I hung up hurt and angered by her corrections; I mean, who wants to be questioned about their actions. However, the weight of conviction was heavy on my heart. Now this story would be great if I could write to you all and say that her words stopped me in my tracks and turned me back to the cross, but that would be a lie. Instead, I ran a while longer and a lot faster from the path I was supposed to be on. Eventually I found my way back after a whole lot of heartaches and pain and through the Grace of God.

What I really want to touch on is the concept of gently correcting our brothers and sisters in Christ. Why is this so difficult for us to do? I believe today’s world has blinded us and made us timid when we are supposed to be focused and bold in our approach. We should not fear the reactions, but we should embrace them and in love correct them. We, and I include myself in the we, are so worried about offending others that we stay silent and don’t speak up when we should be the most vocal. Of course the immediate response is not going to be positive; what person is going to say, “thank you for pointing out my sins? “ No one! I most certainly didn’t say thank you that’s for sure. But ultimately it was for my own good I needed to be told what you’re doing is wrong. We are already facing a war from the world, and we need every soldier possible in this battle. I want my friends to be in battle with me, my battle buddies, not against me.

The important thing is how we do it. The Bible instructs us to be gentle in our approach as to be mindful in how we do it, and always correct in love. In order to achieve this boldness we must stay in prayer and ask for guidance. Galatians 6:1 “brothers, if someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently, but watch yourself are you also may be tempted.” How does the lord want us to approach the topic? What words does he want us to use? When should we approach our friends? When we follow the model we are given it will always work out for the good we just have to be patient and remain in prayer for our friends during the process.

Let’s Just Call This My 2017 Newsletter…Or something like that

It is officially a new year, and like many of you, I began to think about what changes I needed to make within myself and in my day-to-day life. In many ways, 2017 was the worst and the best year I’ve experienced in quite a while. I started off the year losing my job, a job that I had worked for almost 10 years; to say I was devastated and completely blindsided is and understatement. It was the first time since I started working at the age of 18 that I had been terminated. Immediately, I panicked because, well, I had bill to pay and no longer had a source of income. However, the panic was short-lived, and I did not dwell in this for several reasons. First, as I walked out of that building which had become my prison, that building which kept me away from my home more times than not, that building which made me compromise everything I believed to be right and wrong, that building which constantly made me feel less than; I felt an immediate release. I’ve never experienced that feeling of a weight being lifted, but I legitimately felt the stress from working in an environment which no longer brought joy to my life disappear. The tears quickly dried and I kept moving forward. Second, I have AMAZING friends and family that a strong believers and each and every one of them told me the exact same thing. They pointed out how unhappy I was in my position and reminded me that God had a greater plan for my life, something far greater than working in a job which made me miserable everyday. They covered me in prayer and gave me faith-based encouragement. I can not express how important it is to surround yourself with an army of believers; people who will pray for you and with you in not only your valleys, but also rejoice with you in your peaks.  Finally, during my time of unemployment (6 months), I actually took some overdue time to enjoy life.  I was able to go on vacation with my family for the first time in almost 5 years. it was great, although in the back of my mind I knew my time was running out and I needed to start seeking employment. I knew my money would eventually run out and the bills still have to be paid. To make this long story short, at the end of the summer I found a job and entered back into the work force. I currently have a job doing what comes naturally to me, but it is not my final job, this is only a stepping stone until I can make it to my next station in life.

Now that I got my little yearly recap out of the way, let’s talk about the here and now. A couple of weeks ago, I read a quote online that stood out to me. It said, “someone somewhere is depending on you to do what you were called to do.” When I read that I thought, dang, there could be someone out there waiting for me to stop messing around and actually start taking my writing seriously. Just for the record, I write quite often, but most of the time, it is fictional stories that I can never finish, because my vision of the story is never clear. I know that I have been given a gift, and it is well past time that I used that gift to uplift the kingdom of the Lord. I found this bible verse which sums that up neatly, 1 Peter 4:10-11 reads, “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks they should do as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen”

This year, in 2018, I am not going to come up with some resolution to go on a diet or to start exercising, although I probably should, but I am actually giving myself a goal which is to embrace the gifts that I have been given from the Lord and use those gifts to bless others. In order to accomplish this task, it is going to take a lot of prayer and studying in the word as well as faith that I am on the correct path. Joshua 1:9 says “Have I not commanded? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” With that being said, I have plans to write and not just here on my blog, but actually a complete work and then take the necessary steps to get that work published. This biggest part will be to ensure that I keep my work God centered and seek Him 100% throughout the process of this. It shall be quite interesting as I have only written fiction and poetry.  Please pray for me during this time. I truly believe it is well past due that I embark on this journey. As always be blessed and stay tuned

We All Matter

It’s been awhile since I sat down to share with you all. No lie, I literally had to wipe the dust from my notebook. (I’m old school, I still write on paper). I’ve been quiet for several reasons; I never want to write for the sake of writing, when I write, I want it to be sincere and not forced. Also, I’ve been busy over the past few months. Back in March, I drove cross country to Ohio with my mother to attend the funeral of our great Aunt, I will touch on that trip in a bit; but moving on, I’ve been back and forth to Dallas, the family drove to Louisiana and Alabama, and I’ve put my house on the market in preparations for my BIG move to Dallas. So, needless to say, I’ve been busy during my extended “vacation” from employment, but the noise from the world is SO loud right now that I can no longer sit quietly and watch without saying something. I was subscribing to the thought process of many people in America right now. What thought process is that? Well let me tell you, This doesn’t affect me. What difference can I make? If you are familiar with me or my blog, then you know I wrote a blog in the past detailing my thoughts on police brutality and the thought process that many black people deal with every time they get pulled over. I shared the reality of the conversations that black parents are having with their children in order to preserve their lives during “routine” police stops. I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by people who show compassion on this topic. I’m also surrounded by people who “stay woke” on certain topics in the world right now. Many probably don’t know what that means, so let me explain; to be “woke” means people are socially aware, they don’t pretend  there isn’t a problem with race relations or issues on injustice. We as Americans need to wake up and stop pretending like the world is not crumbling around us.

As I mentioned, back in March my mom and I drove from El Paso, TX to Middletown, OH, that drive took us through several states, but only one city and state stands out in my mind, Oklahoma City, OK. We had been driving for almost twelve hours, it was 10pm, and I was behind the wheel while my mom slept. The speed limit was 75 mph and the police were out heavy that night. With that being said, I was super aware of my surroundings, I was driving about 65 mph, both hands were on the steering wheel, etc. I looked in my mirrors and spotted a police car in the lane next to me. I told my mom, “There’s a cop behind me.” She questioned if I was speeding and I told her no, and she closed her eyes again. I put on my blinker and changed lanes (someone had been pulled over and I was in the far left lane), the cop changed lanes with me. I put on my blinker and returned to the left lane and the lights and sirens came on. “Ma, we’re being pulled over!” I said. I’ve never seen my mom wake up from sleep so quickly in my life. “Put both hands on the steering wheel.” That was her immediate response. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking because I had no clue why I was being pulled over. I wasn’t speeding, I had on my seatbelt, and I used my blinkers; why was I being pulled over? So, we both sat eyes forward, my hands on the steering wheel, my mom’s hands visible in her lap, and waited to see why we were pulled over. The police officer came to the passenger window and asked the same question that all cops ask “Do you know why I pulled you over?”  Of course I didn’t know. “No sir, I don’t know.” He proceeded to tell me that in the state of OK you must leave on your blinker for 100ft when changing lanes and I failed to leave on my blinker long enough. Although this felt like a BS stop we went through all the motions: yes sir, no sir, we’re going to a funeral sir, but I really became nervous when I had to get my drivers license “Sir, my purse is under my legs, I’m going to grab it, OK.” The officer was actually a very nice, which many officers are, he didn’t give me a ticket, but I shouldn’t have been scared when I got pulled over. We shouldn’t have to be on our “best behavior” in order to prove we aren’t doing something wrong, but this is the reality of being “other” in America. And, the sad thing about it is, this momentum continues to grow more and more. People are hurting with each passing day. The chasim is growing.

I read daily about people saying, why are we looking at race, why are we looking at gender, why are we looking at orientation? Well, we’re looking at this because these are the people being alienated. These are the people who are constantly being told, “You are not enough.” Who are we, as human beings, to tell another person, you are not enough, you don’t matter because…

This weekend, I was shopping with my sister, and I saw a coffee mug that said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” This comes from Psalms 139:14. That verse and the following verses state: “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it well…Your eyes have seen my unformed substances; And in Your book were all written. The days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.” Psalms 139:14 & 16. This resonates strongly with me because every single one of us was created individually by the Father, and He knows each of us by name. Regardless of our lifestyle or  the pigmentation of our skin, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. As a Christian, that tells me that I am no better than the person next to me. That tells me that there is no race superior to another. Last week, people put on robes and mask and marched because a statue was being removed. A statue that symbolizes oppression, and in my opinion, these are the individuals who want to continue to keep others down. These people spewed ugly, hatefilled words, and spread terrible propaganda. This brought two thoughts to my mind 1) Why aren’t ALL Christians up in arms and disturbed by this. 2) Why are we moving in the wrong direction towards unity? These images were reminiscent of the civil rights movement in the 50s although we are living in 2017. Integration happened 60 years ago, why are we seeing these images resurfacing? Why aren’t we able to see  past how a person looks on the outside and instead look at the heart?

The answer? Because we live in a fallen world. There will never be peace until Jesus returns, but as a Christian, I know how I can make a difference. I can show the love of Christ to others, I can stop throwing rocks from my glass house because I know that I sin and I fall short of God’s glory everyday. As the body of Christ, we need to be hurting because our brothers and sisters are hurting.

My cousin, Danita Jones wrote a very poignant blog last week entitled “The Elephant of Social Justice” over at www.uknowimwrite.com. In her post, she talks about the “whatabout” people, and she hits the nail directly on the head. Take a few minutes to read this sometime this week. Her words stood out even more to me this week when I saw a post on Facebook of a pagan god with the byline, this is the statue we should be removing or something to that manner. It immediately gave me feelings. Yes! We should have this statue removed, and yes we should be upset over the image this statue represents, but it should not be brought up as a comparison. Let’s not forget that just a few days ago there were people physically hurt and one person actually lost their life. Let’s stop with the “whatabouts” as Danita stated and let’s start showing some compassion. Let’s start being the example of Christ. Now is the time to be growing Christ’s army and that can’t be done if we are being selective on who we show His love too.

Disappointments…

When I think about the word disappointment, it gives me feelings, and none of those feelings are positive. Disappointment has such a negative connotation and I suppose it should. I mean no one gets excited when they are disappointed. We never feel disappointed when everything is working in our favor. We don’t feel disappointed when we succeed. Nope, we feel disappointed when we fail. We feel disappointed when people let us down. We feel disappointed when we let others down. We feel disappointed when we ultimately have no direction or vision.

Today I am disappointed. I feel not only disappointed, but I feel discouraged. I am deprived of confidence. My confidence is shaken because today I was essentially told my feelings were invalid. My intuition is off, and now I’m left at a crossroad with no map. It has been a long time since I felt this way and I never imagined that at this age I would be at this point. Based on that, not only am I discouraged, but I am disappointed that I allowed this to be my life. As I write this down, I recognize how ridiculous this all sounds because the only person’s actions that we have control over are our own, so therefore, I should not be disappointed, but I am. I’m disappointed because I should have had a back up plan, I should have been prepared for the unknown.

Anyhow, enough of that, I’m not going to dwell on things that I can’t change, but what I need to be doing is looking forward and not allow the past to hold me back. However, I also need to find encouragement in the void. I need to find my direction again. My encouragement today comes from 1 Chronicles 28:20 “…Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the temple of the Lord is finished correctly.”

Woah! If that isn’t the encouragement that I needed I don’t know what is. I mean seriously, I need to store this word in my heart, especially on days like today when I feel less than ok; when I feel discouraged about my future. This tells me the Lord has a plan for me and He is in complete control. This tells me He won’t just leave me alone and He won’t let my hand go through all of this.

I wish I could wrap this up and put a pretty bow on it and say I know what tomorrow holds, but I don’t. I know tomorrow I will wake up and I will put both feet on the ground and take one step forward. I will hold on to this word that the Lord God is with me and He will not forsake me. Tomorrow I will have a new day to try again to find the map to my crossroad which tells me which road to journey down next.

 

Falsehoods and Fallacies

I claim to know what love is

What it feels like to need another person

Like your next breath

Like oxygen

The very substance we need to survive

But…

Do I truly know?

Do I know how it feels to have someone who

I can’t be without?

My first experience was a lie.

One falsehood

One fallacy after another.

“You complete me.”

No I don’t.

“We’re gonna be married in the future.”

No we won’t.

“I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

I guess me neither.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

No I wasn’t.

You were the worst thing that happened to me.

So maybe my claim to know love is…

A falsehood

A fallacy.

The love I know breaks you down

Tears you in two

Takes over your everything…

Then leaves you broken.

The tattered remains of one who once was

The love I know only takes but never gives

It leaves you empty

A black hole

Void of existence

Just a being

Grasping onto anything

In a poor attempt to survive.

So maybe I should say I have an idea of what love should look like

Because…

Turns out I don’t know.

The only love I know

HURTS

It hurts like hell

It’s full of tears

Tears cried alone in the middle of the night

Pleas to God to make it work.

What am I doing wrong?

Why doesn’t he love me like I love him?

Love shouldn’t hurt…

Love should be honest

Not full of falsehoods and fallacies

Not full of empty promises whispered when no one can hear

Maybe I can only talk about what love is not

Love is not waiting on a phone call that never comes

A date that is always broken

Love doesn’t say she’s just a friend when we both know she’s more

Love doesn’t le

Because love is pure

“Love is patient, love is kind…It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”

Your love broke all the rules

You weren’t patient or kind

There was never any hope

Your love failed

It did not persevere

Turns out I have no idea how loves feels

Not from the one who claims to have those feels.

The only thing I know is

Falsehoods and fallacies

A story full of lies that I once believed

 

The Act of Comparing Ourselves

Comparison is ruining me…

Today I want to start off using I am statements because I don’t want to reflect my feelings onto anyone else. One of the downfalls or the issues that keeps me from moving forward and walking in my purpose is comparing myself to others. Comparison is crippling to growth because we do not all have the same path as the next person. Personally, comparison is literally and physically holding me back. It is becoming my roadblock. Whoever told me that I should gauge my own success based on what success looks like for someone else? Where did that idea come from? Was I taught that in school? Probably. School teaches us that when you have the highest grades you are the most successful in the class, so most strive to be at the top. In adulthood, when working, if there is someone in the same career path and they are being successful, we are encouraged to reach out to that individual and find out  their techniques in order to emulate them so we can be successful too. There are women and men plastered all over the television, internet, and magazines who look a certain way and we then compare our bodies to those people.

Everything indicates to me that we should compare ourselves to others to find validation; however, that is not reality. We are not meant to be like anyone else except our unique selves. We are called to be individuals, which means there in no one else like you. Can you imagine how boring life would be if we were all exactly the same? That is what comparing ourselves to someone else does, it makes us emulate the next person. It makes us question our own worth, it makes us doubt our own greatness.

I was reading various Bible verses that talk about comparing ourselves to others and there are several key verses about this topic, but what stands out the most to me is Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” What this verse is saying to me is the minute we start to compare ourselves with another person is the moment we being to block our blessings. What the Lord has in store for your neighbor is not the same as He has in store for you. So while we’re busy emulating someone else we can miss what He’s working out in our favor.

I don’t know about you, but this gives me comfort. I believe that over the past few years I’ve been attempting, very poorly, to emulate someone else. I’ve tried to fit into someone else’s mold and every day it was becoming more and more uncomfortable. With every turn I was hit with a different roadblock and I was not advancing. What I began to do was question myself, question my worth. I needed people to tell me I was worthy in order to find some type of validation of my worth. This should have been my wake up call, but instead I continued to compare my actions to others, I tried to be like my peers, and I failed miserably. As my sister recently told me, I needed something BIG to happen to snap me out of the rut I was existing in. Bottom line, today this verse helps to remind me that God is in charge and His will is what I should strive for, not what someone else has or is doing!

COME TOGETHER…RIGHT NOW

What’s so hard about putting pen to paper. Transposing the chaos inside your head into intelligible words on a paper – or online, that can reach others and also make some kind of sense. Lately, the chaos has been so loud inside my brain that it is deafening. The words; screaming and clawing their way out of my head want to be heard, or read. The words that resonate so loudly have to do with the state of the world we are currently living in. As Christians, we are to be in this world, but not OF this world. We are not supposed to be a part of the problem, but instead a part of the solution. We are supposed to be the hands and feet of the Lord, and more times than not I am not seeing this. I am seeing Christians attacking and judging; instead of building up the Kingdom, many of us are tearing it down, and my heart is breaking. My heart is breaking for not only our country, but for God’s children. More than ever, with such discord in the world we need to be standing together. We need to be showing and being the example of God’s love; instead, I see people beating each other down with the Word, picking and choosing the scriptures that best support their message and using it as a weapon.

Never in my life have I felt such fear or terror over the state of the world. Never have I felt such anxiety over the future of our nation. Over the years, I have heard people make the statement, “We’re living in the end times,” but I never truly grasped the meaning of this statement, and once I was of an age to understand it I never really believed it. I now understand and believe, I understand that the discord and fighting is a part of the story, and with that being said, I have now become one of those individuals who says, “We are living in the end times.” We are drawing near to the end, and that means we, as Christians, need to be seeking the Lord whole heartedly. We need to be falling on our knees in prayer, but instead we are getting caught up in the social media hoopla. I am guilty of reading comments and articles on the internet and it gives me feelings. I find myself getting angry and upset, I find myself wanting to write comments and respond on post and getting caught up in this slippery slope. However, most days I am successful in staying away from the arguments and the petty nonsense on social media. As I mentioned we are to be in this world and while in this world we are to be compassionate, we are to show empathy, we are to extend grace because that is what was given to us.

There is not one person currently walking on this earth that has been the perfect example that we had in Jesus. We can only strive to be like Him and in being like Him we might have to get our hands a little dirty and show kindness  and love to some people we don’t necessarily agree with. This is what the Lord calls us to do. He does not call us to be the judge and jury over another’s actions. It’s time for us to make grown up decision and declare what we believe and stand for. It’s time for us to follow in Jesus’ footsteps and show love to the unlovable. The time is coming for us to ban together and stand for what Jesus lived for. I do not want to be viewed as someone who claims to love Jesus, but treats others poorly solely because they have made mistakes or messed up in their lives. Instead, I want to be known for my heart, for my love, and for my example of God’s love. Once again, how are we building up the Kingdom when we treat it like an exclusive club that only certain people can be a part of. Unless we are showing that Christlike love to those who do not know Him, the Kingdom will not advance.

REFUGE

Welcome Back Everyone!!!!!! It’s been a bit since I sat down in front of the screen and shared with you all. I’ve missed this! Hope everyone out there had a great holiday season and made it through the Inauguration in one piece and with some semblance of peace. (That is a conversation for another day, stay tuned).

Today, I want to talk about refuge with you all. Psalms 118:8 reads, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.” So last night I was looking through my notebook and I read across this verse from a study I went through a couple of months ago, and this verse immediately jumped out at me. This verse has taken on a new meaning with me as my life has taken a huge turn over the past three days…”Take refuge in the Lord.” My first thought was, exactly what does the word refuge really mean, so of course I looked up the definition, and refuge is defined as, “a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble.” Then I went ahead and looked up trust, it is defined as firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Trust is a very fragile thing. When we place our trust in a person or an institute, we are giving away a part of ourselves. We make ourselves vulnerable to be hurt or blindsided by the decisions of another. As the definition states, it is a firm belief that you can rely undoubtably on this person. The above stated verse can now be read and understood to say, “It is better to seek shelter from trouble in the Lord instead of placing belief in the strength of man.” Here’s the thing about placing trust in another being that is not the Lord; just like you and me, this other person is human. This other person makes mistakes and also falls short of the glory daily. They are not capable of carrying the burden of complete trust, and the reason why is because everyone single person currently walking on this Earth is flawed. We live in an imperfect world, and everyone messes up.

I was dealt a terrible blow this week, I trusted in the institution which I worked to be fair in their dealings and decisions, but I quickly learned that was not the case. Based on their decision, I should feel completely broken, I should be quacking with fear, but instead I have an inner peace that can only be from the Lord. I am seeking refuge, shelter, in the Lord and I have complete trust that He will meet everyone of my needs. This is new for me. Not to feel stressed out and not to be falling apart with worry because for the first time in seven years I am without any type of employment and I have not one plan in place for my next job, but I am completely calm. If I’m honest, I have not been truly happy in almost four years. The level of discontentment was so loud at times that no matter what I did I could not quiet the noise. I was going through the motions everyday as a means to an end, and now I no longer have to do that. I can now seek what truly makes my heart happy, and truly seek out the plans that the Lord has for me. As Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I can now choose a new route to go down in life because I am no longer tethered to a place that is killing my spirit and made me question my value as a person. I know where my value lies, and it is not in the opinion of man, but with the safety of the Lord.